Rising Again

A very wise woman recently said, ‘your mess becomes your message.’   I’m determined to create a message out of my mess.  My hope is that I can use my mess(age) to transform my life and ultimately help light the way for you too.

For the past year I’ve taken up the journey (again) to discover and finally overcome the root cause of my lifelong weight struggles.  I’ve been back and forth with this issue starting with puberty when I officially went on my first diet (Nutri System) in 6^th grade.  I can’t remember a year of my life since then that my weight hasn’t been the major focus of my life.

This latest leg of my journey, which you could also call my breaking point, started while on a trip very far from home.  I had travelled to the other side of the world to be part of a team of people teaching on an educational fitness DVD.  My field, ironically, is the fitness industry.  I stumbled into this career after reluctantly agreeing to become a group fitness instructor while going to school for a completely different career (more on this in a bit).

Do you know the fear that you have buried in the back of your mind; your worst case scenario should it ever be realized?  This is exactly what happened on my trip.  After I arrived, I was excluded from taking part in the DVD because I didn’t look like I worked out.  My weight had robbed me of my greatest achievement in my career (or so I thought).

It’s not that this was the first time that I felt my body was in the way of me being the person I really wanted to be.  But this was it for me.  The moment I could no longer pretend that I accepted my body.  The truth was that I didn’t really blame them for their view of my body because I felt the same way.

When I think about it, this feeling first arose when the instructors at my gym talked me into becoming a group fitness instructor in the first place.   I remember protesting for at least 6 months (I used lack of time since I was in school as an excuse).  Deep down I didn’t think I had what it took.  How could someone with such an imperfect body stand up and teach others to exercise?  But they eventually wore me down with a great argument.  I had lost a substantial amount of weight by the time they approached me and they said that I would be the ultimate motivator since I knew what it felt like to lose weight and feel better about myself.  The only problem (I’m realizing now) is that I didn’t really feel better about myself.

Once I accepted the fact that my own lack of body confidence and self- love was really at the root of my overseas adventure last year, I made a promise to myself.  I would do whatever it took (including putting losing weight on the back burner) to come to a place of loving my body unconditionally.

So far my quest has led me to discover that my industry (and the weight loss industry) has it all wrong.  Trying to be perfect by eating all of the ‘right’ foods and exercising in a certain way only further exacerbates the frustration that most of us have with having such an imperfect body.

I don’t have ‘the answer’ yet and in fact for the first time in my life I can say in all honesty that I don’t even see this as a mission to ‘find the answer.’  I’ve learned that I’m not a problem to be solved.

I’ve also realized that it’s ok not to get it ‘right’ the first, second or even the third time.  What I have gained in my ‘missteps’ is getting me closer and closer to who I actually am.

Since the one year anniversary of that life changing event has just passed, I’ve been thinking a lot about how different my perspective on my body is now.  I can feel a major shift happening under the surface and it’s only a matter of time before my body follows suit.  I’m so excited to see where life is taking me because I can feel that it’s a place where body confidence and self- love are a given. I’m ready to let go and love on and I hope you are too!